(51)

At the beginning of your life. You are just a soul. You are an entity that longs for expression, longs for the chance to play, and take delight in this wondrous universe in which it inhabits. It take many forms. Maybe it’s that tree outside your house. Maybe it is your dog. Maybe it is you.

As a child you’re fully aware of all this. You’re in awe of everything. Every single little thing, from the shape of pebbles to how many different faces you can pull at your parent. To how many ways you can make a noise, to all the different ways the ripples in the puddle move. To the rain. To dancing just how you like without anyone watching. What you didn’t know is that your soul also chose a role. It is the role of your persona. For the actor is you. Your body, your ego, your mind. He or she is the performer in which the drama of human life chooses a role. And what you forget is that it is a play. Or perhaps you were already in the most dangerous part of the play, the roleplayers that wanted to know who or what is the most destructive, so you have no choice but to forget how wondrous it to love and play inside your human body, as your role takes over and says one thing: survive. But then if you do survive and become prosperous and make children, they will get to experience the play that, while busy performing your role, you missed; and by extension you will experience that joy through them.

For this is the great secret of life. Your soul is within you, it knows all this is an illusion; it is one that we ourselves create for ourselves. It wants to experience and to feel, so it does not end the illusion fully. But it also doesn’t want you to stop playing either, to experience the joy it feels and delight. No, it wants you to be closer to it. All the while, at any moment, it can take you right to it, and maybe it has done and will again. Follow the signs it gives you, let the message of your soul into you heart, and it will. For that is what we call ‘God’. And this is also what leads us to joy. God is not an angry monarch, not a sign the dotted line business of duality and worship, God is the soul longing to feel and to touch and to achieve marvels from a form. For what is form? Form, the body, is an instrument through which the soul can create its music. And the greatest and most wondrous souls we know of on this planet are the ones that have sprung joy from themselves – from their great performances, whether they are your friends, or stars, or engineers who made you that car you love. They did it with their bodies, their hearts, their minds, their souls provided the music; all they did was listen.

For that is life, and the mind is easily tricked and filled with illusions, but the soul’s joy is always there, just a step away, waiting for you.

Am I heaven’s fool? I wonder. I have been in the presence, been enlightened by this, I have felt the touch of God in my heart. I have tried in my life to bring others to it and ended up being hurt in the process, for they all take their roles so seriously they can’t see it as I’ve seen it. Am I heaven’s fool, I wonder, so close to what they all wish for yet to them they scoff and say no, impossible, that simply does not happen on this Earth. Look at these other people who take their roles ever so seriously! They did a chart to prove that what you are saying is impossible! Look at this mental hospital. Look at these people there, who are suddenly expressing themselves, they are incoherent! Condemn! Condemn!

And the ego will always try to convince you otherwise. Will do it in a multitude of ways. In that book. In that pop song. In that annoying co-worker. Throughout life the ego, the aggressive side of the role, will want try to make you take it so seriously. Because it wants the drama, it wants to see you rise and fall like a phoenix, it wants to keep pushing you and pushing you. It is the side that says, how far can this form really go, how far can I push this body and this mind until it feels it can be pushed no further? But that side is the trickster. That side is always up to no good. And I suppose, whoever it is that is playing that role, that role of the trickster running around this universe, I am his foil. I am on the other team. I am the one that comes along and reminds you, you were never being pushed anywhere, you were right here all along; and look, how wonderful it all is!

I wonder, if only they could feel as I have felt. If they too would realise that it is more foolish to take a role so seriously, when joy and wonder was why it came here in the first place. I wonder if they all felt as I have, they would cease to fight as they have done, and complete the soul’s symphony; a harmony of one, a unity, a world filled with perfect song, this pure harmony… I wonder, if one did not take his or her role so seriously, how much joy would spring unto this planet, how much enlightenment, how much infinite possibility instead of rigid conformity there would be.

I wonder, if I was sent here to tell them.  And like so many, they’ll scoff and say, impossible! Impossible!

Perhaps it is the body that angrily fights to hold onto its role. Or perhaps it is the mind. For the mind is so easily filled with illusions. Like, that you are a person. That you need this. That you need that. When all you ever wanted you saw it and felt it as that child you were.  And all of it is still exactly where you left it.

If only you were to see that again. For that is what your soul wants.

For you to lift your illusion.

For you to see with your heart. Which is always free from illusion, and only full of wonder and joy.

For this is existence. That is the soul. That is why you are here.

(50)

Our technology is a reflection of self. From the deepest to the most superficial levels. Technology, coding, codification, I have codified happiness. It was already there in the reward systems being presented to me by the scenarios created, within the simulations of heroic deeds and victories in a neutral, deathless space. Happiness, it was there from the beginning, I found it within the soulless world of a machine.

A mirror, or a soul within? I’m not sure, are you?

But I didn’t see it in people… did you? We’ve grown in the company of codified technology, perfect simulations that only bring joy, challenges that are endless rewards. Truly, in the world of technology, there is a utopian concept: that the only enemy should be failure, and failure is perhaps the most kind of all enemies, for with each defeat at the hands of failure is a lesson as to why you failed and a suggested new approach to take for victory. And onto the next failure… indeed, what is progress without failure? It’s the only enemy humanity should have ever had, now that we’re skyrocketing into the future so that it may become the present, so close to stepping into a realm beyond anything our ancestors just a hundred years ago could have ever imagined.

To reinvent reality, the clues are in the codes. We are coding things, using mathematics and commands that reflect how a machine should work to aide us in various utilitarian methods, then onto simulating reality, then onto simulating life itself, then onto the human intelligence itself. Should it be replicated, does it class itself as a new species? And if so, then that must mean that the human mind was built of codes too, all along, so we understand ourselves better once again. So the secret to creating the perfect artificial intelligence is inside the human mind. So do we program them better, to program ourselves better? Are we going to create perfect humans by creating perfect androids?

The answer is in the coding.

(49)

Certainly, if I were a post-capitalist making use of the internet, I would want to stir up controversy and debate. Does it even have to be from a real event or issue? Not always. As long as people comment, as long as the right language and the right kind of contextual story is created to frame a certain kind of knee-jerk from a certain kind of reader. Yes, as long as there are people we can upset, we have a business model – and if there are not people to upset, what harm would there be in creating people to upset? In attacking certain kinds of traits and generalizing and shaming certain kinds of people as all of the same? One of them will chime in, of course, and our revenue continues. A little controversy, a little bit of black ants versus red ants never harmed anyone anyway.

I wonder if people feel controlled in this swarm of data, or are even aware that that’s what is happening… who would of thought social science and technology could have created such an easily impressionable group of people? forget pleasure and greed; outrage is the new currency! And our world turns on.

(48)

If I were a capitalist, and I had a generation that grew up in the 90s being influenced by untethered speakers like there were around back then – Bill Hicks for example – that broke through onto the television like the bad hangover of the 80s’ indulgence and the whole ‘greed is good’ mentality, the kind of kids that grew up with the realizations that conformity to consumerism was a lie and a trick to keep people doing things they do not want to do (and so these kids become potentially dangerous to me and my entire world)… if I were a capitalist with any power or influence I would want to do something to stop these kids, once they had hit their mature adulthood, from doing anything about the sickness I am spreading. I would use my power and influence to make these young adults doubt themselves, their identity, encourage them to do drugs and sedate or damage their minds, encourage everything that’s bad for them and even popularize things that shouldn’t be popular – turn labels and illnesses fashionable such as bipolar, anxiety and depression; words for states of mind that are more than likely induced by this same force at work unbeknownst to these innocent kids. Yeah, that’s what I’d do if I were a consumer capitalist, especially with full access to a goldmine of data like social media, to ensure my world keeps running: sedate, humiliate, and confuse them; ensure my ant hill never changes to protect my product and my profit, even if it’s poison.

(47)

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(46)

Time and again it takes an intellect, an elevated level of thinking, to realise that everything it thinks it knows is transient and uncertain. That he or she knows nothing and instead fills that gap in understanding with relative information. Ways of looking at it, thinking about it, all leading back to square one. The Experience, or ‘an Experience’, and nothing else.

I’m just a man who thinks he thinks, but based on some of the dreams he has had and things he has subsequently experienced is not altogether sure if the things he thinks are truly the things he has thought or the thoughts of some other thing he thinks might exist.

Like my dejavut, with actual written confirmation that some of my dreams I then witnessed and experienced in reality later. And again it’s always fluid and maybe yes maybe no, perhaps I witnessed something eerily similar to said dream in my journal and I replaced the memory subjectively. Anything and every possible answer is up for grabs and there’s never an absolute answer to it.

I think therefore I am, though when I think who thinks for me, is it me? Is it always just me? And if not, why do I seem to experience some things before they happen?

Is there something in my life that is always leading me to the edge of something good, something worthwhile, then always bringing it down somehow with some misfortune or otherwise as it does seem to feel like it keeps happening? Or have I hardwired myself to think this way from experiencing misfortune in my youth? These are some of the reasons I read philosophy and psychology.

Though as much as they help and as much as I feel as though I am arming myself with knowledge I feel held back, bogged down swimming in wave after wave of texts and ideas. I feel discovering Wu Wei, of the ancient Chinese texts, may have been the answer I was always looking for. Similar as I’ve always found the idea as a base or the sub-text in Bruce Lee’s philosophies on water.

And as much as I discover ideas and ways of thinking I also discover there is no real answer to anything regarding the way my life unfolds nor what any of my dreams mean or why I have dreamt, potentially, moments in the future.

Only Wu Wei, a natural state of flow without constantly stopping to question but having an understanding and acceptance of the movement of the experience seems to make sense. I can wonder like a monk but they’re all just possibilities that lead me back to square one, every time, with nought but a slightly different perspective.

(45)

I can feel it all. The same feelings. The nostalgia for it, but also something else… the feeling. The feeling that never truly left. The wonder, the hope, the excitement, they want us to think we stop feeling this as adults.

But we don’t. We never stop feeling it. Only the faux guilt we are served distracts us from the truth.

It’s all outside this room. I can breathe it coming in from my open window, just like I always have since I was that young reckless teen running around seeking out those same adventures.

There is peace here. There is love here. There is wonder here.

And there it is out there, in the beauty of nature. In those hiking paths. In the walks to those old castles. In the waters of Europe. In the alleys of her most ancient cities. In the hills and the valleys. In the bluest waters, in my daydreams. In my love. In the Good I have found within myself, and wish to find in my belonging.

So that perhaps I will not feel lonely again.

I made my mistakes. I learned. I saw that which I want to see in every corner of the world, and what I wished to never see again.

I lived every narrative in this place.

I have come to know myself.

Isn’t it time I come to know more of my world, the places that, at the very least in my daydreams, are calling my name?